Reality vs. The Fantasy

Reality is often not as great as the fantasy.

And so I must face the reality of what my life is like at this very moment.

There are many moments and hours and days when I wonder how I ever got so lucky, here I am in paradise, the Caribbean, living the life I’ve dreamed of. It is warm and sunny every day and even when it rains it stays warm outside it rains for a short time and stops. And for a person, me, who doesn’t do winter anymore, at least not well, it should be perfect.

But there are cracks in the perfection.

I have worked, always. Since I was about 15 I think I’ve always had a job. When I retired from the Sheriff’s Office I was at a terrible place, mostly emotionally and I spent way too many days cooped up in my house, doing nothing,  hiding from the world and hoping it would go away. Finally, with plenty of prodding, I moved to Tennessee to start over and be nearer my children.

The problem, and I know to many this will not seem like it should be that big of a problem, the problem with retiring when you are just 50 is that almost none of your contemporaries are also retired. It tends to make for a lonely kind of life. When you think, a trip somewhere is what I need, there is no one available to go along, they all have to work or don’t have enough vacation time for a trip with you and their annual vacation with family and friends.

So when I moved to Tennessee, not only did I jump into diving with both feet (pun intended),  but I also got two part time jobs. I don’t really do that well sitting around alone with nothing to do. I didn’t necessarily need the income, although I’ll certainly live my lifestyle equal to my income. What I needed was the social interaction that work provides, and something to fill my days.

Now that I am in Belize I find myself in the same predicament. I don’t really have that much to do. I can already hear most of my writer friends screaming at me, if only they had days on end with nothing else to do but sit and write. But, at least for me, it doesn’t work that way, what spurs the creativity and the words on the page is the everyday world around me, conversation – either my own or overheard – the ability to observe people as they go about their lives and watch and listen to relationships and dialogue, and staying busy, being useful.

But in Belize I cannot work. I’m confused because it seems like every other expat here for longer than a couple months has found a way to work. I’ll admit, many have started businesses here, something I don’t have the money to do.

And then there is this other reality. I found this little house to rent, the size is perfect for me, one small bedroom, a small kitchen and living area combined, and a bathroom. And it seems that every day I notice something new, a starfish right next to the little dock in front of my house where I climb in that rickety little dingy to row across the lagoon, a beautiful bird some type of crane I think, walking in my yard, a gorgeous full moon that makes the evening seem almost like daytime. But there is also this, I have been eaten alive by bugs on this side of the lagoon, something I didn’t have happen while in the little cabana on the other side. I think I look like I have some terrible disease, all the bites and welts on my arms, but my Belizean friends tell me no, all the white people look that way. I’m also told that it is likely that because  this house backs up to a heavily “forested” (mangroves) area there are likely many more bugs of different types on this side.

In my yard outside my house.

Full moon from my front porch.

Starfish off the little dock in front of my house.

I was willing to accept that there are bugs outside and I have to keep bug spray on at all times outside. But then I started getting bites even inside. So now I am constantly burning these coils that act like incense to ward off bugs, and I keep bug spray on even at night inside. Fortunately the bug spray I am using is an oil from several natural plants, no chemicals but to constantly be covered in some kind of oily substance … well, you get the idea.

Then there were the other bugs. Larger, not necessarily biting bugs but big, disgusting roach type, and beetle type and they are in my house .

You can thank me later, I was going to insert a picture here but decided not to, yuck. Just take my word for it, they are cockroaches and they are large (and to me they look gargantuan). Apparently they aren't like a sign of a dirty house but more a fact of life in the caribbean.

Were you one of those kids who loved bugs, picket them all up, pulled the wings off flying insects, studied them? I wasn’t. I don’t’ do bugs. I’m not happy to kill them but I can’t have them on me, or around me. So I have done what feels like my only solution, poison, and lots of it. I am using stuff that has about 8 ingredients, all chemicals that I cannot even pronounce.  It seems so environmentally un-friendly.

And some of these bugs are hearty buggers, they get sprayed with the stuff, it looks like they are dead and about 10 minutes later they start moving again. Oh, I have nightmares that are worse than any horror movies I’ve seen having to do with bugs. Ugh.

I’m fortunate, I have made a couple very nice Belizean friends who have offered to come over and help me de-bug the house. Do you know how silly I feel? Think of the scene in Annie Hall with the spider. I’m trying not to be a whiny baby but I just can’t get past this bug problem.

 Not to sound like a complainer but there is a problem here as well. These friends I speak of, they are the nicest people in the world, one has helped me move, has invited me to his home just to hang out, the  he and another friend and I have talked of just going fishing or out to the reef or something. But in Belize plans are fluid, which is fine. But, here people don’t have that sense of urgency that we as Americans are so used to. You know;  being connected – always, calling, texting, and facebooking. When they say, hey I’ll stop by this evening, that is a  definite …. maybe.  And there isn’t necessarily a call to let you know they can’t or aren’t coming. Its much more laid back than that. Takes some getting used to.

I swear it has almost reached a breaking point. A thought of giving up and returning to my cushy life in the U.S., where if you have a bug problem you call the apartment manager and tell them to take care of it.  If you make plans with someone, you set specific times and if you are going to be 5 minutes late you call and text. But I like being laid back and not always connected and  I refuse to give up on what should be the perfect life.

And as soon as those thoughts of giving up intrude, I see things like a gorgeous crane walking along the shore,  a spotted eagle ray in the shallows, dolphins breaching in the water less than 50 yards from where I sit, pelicans fishing, needlefish darting in the water, a local fisherman coming in to shore with two huge barracuda  or this man on his sailboat with boats stacked on his sailboat …. Well you have to see the picture, there just are no words.  And once again I am in love with this life as a traveler, and adventurer, an ex-pat and can’t imagine going back to the life I lived before.

Small spotted eagle ray in the shallows right off the dock at Paradise Resort.