Cockroaches and other excuses for not writing ...

I put on my big girl panties (as the saying goes) and took care of the roach bait traps myself, and luckily after my two-day murderous spree I haven't seen anymore inside the house.

So I can no longer use actual cockroaches as my excuse for not writing.

Writing you say? Why yes, I call myself a writer and have a couple of "works in progress". I'm not one, however, to let the lack of cockroaches keep me from a million other impediments to getting the writing done.

Most of my excuses are not physical things although the cockroaches work as a pretty good metaphor for all the things that I use to keep me from writing. Most of them are mental things, my own internal critic, my desire to please EVERYONE,  my fear of pleasing NO ONE, etc., etc..

I know, I know, every one agrees if you want to be a writer you have to write for yourself, not for others, and I do, kind of,  but like the crazy people inside my head I still want others to like what I write and want to read it.

Several people have offered to read for me, but just the thought, makes me get queasy and a little sweaty palmed. In fact a very good friend said he would read what I had so far ... and he doesn't even read, ever. And while I appreciate the offers I know I need to find a way around these "bugs" that keep me from moving forward.

To that end I went back to the beginning, in a way.

I have this fantasy that I am, in an alternate universe best friends with some amazingly creative people, and top of that list is Anne Lamott. (My other fantasy best friend is Sara Bareilles, she seems like she'd be a really cool best friend). I read her books, I follow her on facebook, well actually I guess I'm stalking her. She makes me laugh, she says stuff that is actually already in my brain, she is far more spiritual than I am but she forgives me for that too, but she swears like a sailor at times and for that I love her. If you're bothered by bad language skip this quote ... okay you've been warned:

“The best way to get quiet, other than the combination of extensive therapy, Prozac, and a lobotomy, is first to notice that the station is on. KFKD [K-Fucked] is on every single morning when I sit down at my desk. So I sit for a moment and then say a small prayer--please help me get out of the way so I can write what wants to be written. Sometimes ritual quiets the racket. Try it. Any number of things may work for you--an altar, for instance, or votive candles, sage smudges, small-animal sacrifices, especially now that the Supreme Court has legalized them.” 

I went back and listened to her give a talk called "Word by Word" which was like a mini workshop she did as she toured with her book "Bird by Bird", my absolute favorite book on writing,  and life.

So I've started re-reading the book. She's making me laugh all over again and realize how much I do want to write and keep writing. I would recommend this book for anyone just trying to get themselves to DO anything, particularly anything creative where they suffer from self-doubt  and low self esteem.

“If you always dreamed of writing a novel or a memoir, and you used to love to write, and were pretty good at it, will it break your heart if it turns out you never got around to it? If you wake up one day at eighty, will you feel nonchalant that something always took precedence over a daily commitment to discovering your creative spirit?

If not--if this very thought fills you with regret--then what are you waiting for?” 

I'm back at it, kind of, when I can quiet the voices in my head and get rid of the cockroaches in my writing life.

And for some of you, okay, I'm done for today talking about writing which bores some of you to no end.

On a Killing Spree ...

I am a murderer, and last night I went on a killing spree.

Cockroaches.

First, let me reiterate, the cockroaches in the Caribbean are really just a part of life, they are here (probably have been for thousands if not millions of years ... long before me), not due to a place being dirty, probably more likely because the place is built where the cockroaches already lived and when in search of food or water, sometimes it is found inside a dwelling. Unfortunately for them, the dwelling they chose happens to be mine.

I think I may have mentioned. I don't do bugs. I really don't do cockroaches.

So, while sitting a reading, minding my own business, out of the corner of my eye I see movement and there it is, just crawling across the floor. Half a can of bug poison later and it is on it's back, little legs kind of twitching. Sweep that baby right out the door.

About 10 minutes later there is another one. I tried to be a little more judicious with the poison, not because I didn't want to use another half a can but I started to worry about running out before my killing spree was over.

So final count was 5 large and 6 small roaches, which now litter the front walkway at my house.

There was a casualty, for which I'm sure I'll pay dearly. But I was in a frenzy and the light level was relatively low. I walked out expecting I might see a roach and there it was. I swore it was a pretty big size spider. Yeah, I do spiders about as well as I do cockroaches. So out came the poison and spray away. As I'm poisoning the thing I realize it doesn't really crawl across the floor like a spider an then I realize it is a tiny little crab, about the size of a nickel from claw to claw.

I'm certain the ocean gods will get me for this, but really what the heck was that crab thinking coming inside my house???

My real payment may be that I will die from inhaling bug poison  inside my house. I'm looking for an exterminator as we speak, I don't even know if they have them here.

Some Nashvegas time then back to Paradise

So, I arrived in Tennessee on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, went from the airport to South Street, a restaurant/bar in Nashville, for a beer other than Belikin (did I really say that?), then on to Jonathan's Grille for drinks and dinner and a visit with Brian before he jetted off back to California.

It was a great stay in Tennessee, made so very easy and relaxing by Greg, who not only picked me up at the airport but allowed me to stay at his home and use his vehicle during my stay. I got all my errands taken care of and then Greg and I met Paula and her lovely daughter Livie at Drake's where the adults had a couple beers and Livie just was her usual adorable self.

Thursday  night many friends gathered in Cool Springs at the Cool Springs Brewery, it was so great to get to see everyone again, and continue to try and convince them to come to Belize for a visit.

Allie

Lindsay

Lindsay, Tony, Kelli, me, Sandra, Greg, Rob, Alex, Jan,  Natalie & Cindy

Jan

Natalie and Cindy -- Natalie just gets more beautiful as she grows up!

Greg, Rob and Alex

Many thanks to all who came, sorry I missed those of you who couldn't make it.

Had a quick cup of coffee with soon to be new dad Kevin Sage, great to catch up before he is inundated with new dad duties. And thanks Kev for the intro to Aaron, we're meeting for a drink on Thursday!

Thursday the 1st finally came and Greg finally got to get rid of me, although at a price, he had to get up at 3 a.m. to get me to the airport for a 6 a.m. flight. I don't think there are adequate words to express my appreciation for all he did for me during my stay in Tennessee. Thank you again friend, and please thank Rob and Hasty for letting me "move in" to the guys house.

So it was off to Belize again. Have I mentioned how much I love having TSA pre check? And that Global Entry thing for coming back to the states. Worth every penny. Uneventful, easy flights from Nashville to Houston to Belize City to Placencia.

And when I arrived I got to move in to my new place:

I'm in the downstairs unit, a one bedroom with a reasonably large living room (comparatively). It is just right for me and behind this building not far is the ocean -- which is perfect for me.

Within a couple of days I was able to go snorkeling out to the inner reef with a group of medical students from India currently doing a two year program in Belize City, here for a long weekend. Best way to describe it was interesting, they were lovely young people although some of them didn't really even know how to swim, putting on mask fins and snorkel and getting in the ocean was almost overwhelming although they all did great and were amazed at what they could see under the water. In fact a couple hope to come back and learn to dive! The snorkeling was not the best I've ever seen but it was a good way to introduce these kids to the ocean in a safe environment. And I got to get wet which made everything better.

New neighbors have moved in to the cabanas where I live, including a really interesting man from Texas who is a vet and a published author, and I'm meeting more new people which is good. Working on really seriously getting back to the writing after a period of self doubt. And dreaming of an upcoming dive trip to Utila.